Fickle Muse

There are upsides and downsides to taking medication to regulate my disease. Many people who know me well and have lived with me extensively will tell you that one of the biggest upsides is the fact that I am, for the most part, stable in moods. I still have good days and bad days, certainly. And an episode like this weekend can be exhausting for everyone involved. But off medication, every day is an episode like this weekend.

The downside, however, is that the medication dampens my creativity. Instead of being a whirling flood of ideas and words, I often find myself with a lack of it. It makes enjoyable things such as roleplaying quite a difficult thing to sustain over a long period of time.

It also makes days like today frustrating. I actually have a good deal of time on my hands today. I -could- be roleplaying in email, continuing a plot that I've been writing for weeks... except that the Muse isn't there. I have another friend asking me to do something with him, and I can't think of anything. I have friends asking me into their IRC channels, but I'm empty.

It's just so bloody irritating. People tell me I'd be an awesome novelist. Before medication, I couldn't focus long enough to complete a long-term story like that. After the medication, I can't keep my creativity going long enough to complete a long-term story like that.

The hope is when I move and start using my own money for food and such, I can start regulating the chemicals I take in (through food and such) and perhaps start lessening my dosage of medication. I won't be off it entirely, of course. That's never going to happen. But perhaps I can cut things in half simply through diet (and exercise!). That would be awesome.