Endless Beginnings

Here I am again, standing on the edge. I can feel it. I'm not as close as last time. Last time, I created this blog under a pseudonym, ashamed of my weakness. I didn't want anyone to know I was in pain, or that I was struggling. That's my flaw, see. I hurt so deeply, but I don't want anyone to know.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be normal. I've wondered why I couldn't deal with things the way other people can. Why everything seemed to be an unclimbable mountain. It got worse after college. Or, I should say, my failed attempt at college. That's another post. Another long post.

Getting diagnosed with bipolar has started a long, hard road. It wasn't until recently, though, that I discovered I'd also been diagnosed with PTSD. For those not in the know, that's Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's the root cause of the anxiety and the social-fear I seem to deal with regularly.

Of course, saying "I have bipolar" and "I have PTSD" does nothing if someone doesn't understand what the diseases are.

Bipolar Definition

PTSD Definition

Ultimately, this all leads into the fact that I do not deal with things as a normal person might. What seems 'minor' and 'dramatic' for someone without these diseases can be a trigger for me. That isn't to say that I think I need to be treated with kid gloves. I'm just tired of curling up in the bed and crying my eyes out for hours on end, alone, because I'm afraid that saying anything will just get eye rolls and comments to get over it.

I've landed in the hospital once. Since being back at my parents' house, I've had a close brush where I almost ended up putting myself in the hospital again. I can feel the edge coming on; I need to stop it before it gets to that point.

That is, I hope, what this blog will do. I need people to understand that what I'm going through is not -easy-. That if I seem like I'm being dramatic over something 'silly', it's a sign of a deeper problem. And most importantly, I need a place to write so that I -don't- end up in a place so bad that I have to make mom and dad worry about me. They don't need that right now.